When it became clear that we'd have to say goodbye to Isaac, my mother made him a little quilt. The hospital has a program through which the local quilting organisation donates handmade quilts for stillborn babies but I wanted something personal - something made with love, just for our baby. In between the many hours at the hospital with us and her own grief, Mum managed to make a smaller version of the full-size quilt she'd just started working on.
The quilt lived in the hospital bed with me for the two days before Isaac was born. I had some insane notion that if it smelled a little like me, it might bring the baby comfort.
Isaac was born at half past midnight. The nurse wrapped him in a soft cotton blanket, then in the knitted blanket we'd brought with us from home. When he was passed to me, I wrapped the quilt around him as well.
When it was time to say goodbye to Isaac, we decided to keep the quilt with us. Mum made a small replica square of the quilt and we placed it on his casket during his service.
My husband says it will make a great "Big Brother" quilt - something to remind any future children that they have a big brother watching out for them.
Me, well, I take comfort from being able to touch something that once touched my son. I sleep with it atop my pillow; I'm sure it's stained with tears.
Mum mentioned yesterday that when we're ready, she'll take the quilt back and put a label on it. I said that I was sort of using it as a pillow at the moment and we both cried a little and Mum said that was nice.
Then she thought about it for a moment, and added "But it will be bat-shit crazy if you're still doing it a few months from now."
It made me laugh, and it made me feel okay - okay that I was still attached to my son's quilt, okay that the time would come when I could let it go.
God, I love my mother.
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